PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them