PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
You Might Also Like
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me buying fruit and veg
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.