pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.