Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!