Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.


Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.


[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*



He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁


*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?


The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums


Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!