Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy