Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!