Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.