Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
crying
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”