[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
True?