*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
TI: no I’m TI
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.