@hazelmotes1

Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.

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@3sunzzz

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

@alrightjam

Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no

@_ElvishPresley_

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.

@comedylopez

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@xLiserx

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

@Sickayduh

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED

Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day