Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.

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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.


Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no


judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do


Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.


People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*



Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day