Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Butt weight. There’s more!
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.