pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.