Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “