@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

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@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@isabelzawtun

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

@Douchekevin

Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.

@morninggloria

in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”

@EyesOfGreen73

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.