pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?