pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Life is a suicide mission.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.