Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me, flirting😏
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Just parrot things
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.