[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church