This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*