@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@reallifemommy3

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@dadmann_walking

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@TomE83_

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*