Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers