@skylerhanrath

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

@MsCarlissima

To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.

@TweetPotato314

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

@mrtruthandsoul

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@iAmDelFreaky

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

@janehilll

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.