@skylerhanrath

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

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@Matt_The_1st

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@Fab_Mommy_

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

@smashbrown_

U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?

@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@AbleLikes

I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers