[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.


To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.


the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats


Come close…


Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.


“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”


Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.


INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?


Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.


Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.