[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”