@CAshmanActor

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

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@Home_Halfway

ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

@Contwixt

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

@AddledPixie

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.