pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

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ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself


I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!


Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.


Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.


My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.


A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.


Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.


My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.