pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“OMGJK” -atheists
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting