@ZanyJaney11

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@Playing_Dad

[Alien abduction]
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let’s go

@OakHill_

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@derek8185338005

covid has ruined doing pushups on the gas station floor to show the gas station employee that you are strong

@GrimReaperInc

Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.