Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”


[Alien abduction]
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let’s go


*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?


Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.


*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”


Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!


covid has ruined doing pushups on the gas station floor to show the gas station employee that you are strong


Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.