Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
See..?
.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.