piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
And then there were 4
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
constantly working on myself.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.