Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.