I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
…u ok Nintendo?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.