Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered


Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.


The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone


Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?


wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.


Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about


[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.