@1followernodad

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

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@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@ronnui_

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@ABurgerADay

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

@LuvPug

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.