Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

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“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon


Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.


My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn


Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong


I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.


Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet


Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.


Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule


Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.


Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there