PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
me after drinking all the wine:
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children