A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What an awful time to have common sense.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Life is a suicide mission.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers