PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
He’s cranky this morning
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.