30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.