@kumailn

Pitch: child wishes to become big & does. Gets job at toy company & his youthful perspective doesn’t help cuz he’s got the brain of a child.

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@Divergentmama

Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not

@Tmoney68

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

@Lisabug74

Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.

@QwertyJones3

COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen

@david8hughes

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear