The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.