PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.