“The powder |
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”
– The AutocorrExorcist
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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[with father in law]
“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”
Er yes sir, sure do
*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]