@ShortSleeveSuit

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

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@UncleDuke1969

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

@bea_ker

[with father in law]

“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”

Er yes sir, sure do

*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*

@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

@HatfieldAnne

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

@daemonic3

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]