pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…