pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit