The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I have obtained a hat
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam