[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
how to market bottled water to dads
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Sniffing the broccoli
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*