“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos