[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

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him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf


“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*


Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.


yes i am an embarrassment to my family but i am also an embarrassment to other families


Grim Reaper: I have come for you

Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it


Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.


If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere


Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.