@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

You Might Also Like

@idiosity

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@KevinFarzad

It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.