@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

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@julietactually

him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

@MommaUnfiltered

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

@portmanteauface

Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.

@droopystill

yes i am an embarrassment to my family but i am also an embarrassment to other families

@brynnester

Grim Reaper: I have come for you

Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it

@ThePocketJustin

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

@rowdyforsheriff

If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere

@amazymay72x

Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.