I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.
It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.