[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.