[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I have a black belt in leather
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.