A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
How to Be a Librarian:
2. but iSHHHHH
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”