The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Note to self: I am a note
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical