Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”