**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.