Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.