Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
This a good idea
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate