Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You Might Also Like
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
welcome back
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.