Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?


People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.


Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down


If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child


Cashier: how would you like to pay?

Me: with my good looks if possible




Me: credit


Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.


Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?