@ronnui_

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

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@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@BigFriendlyGrub

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

@jerm1991

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

@Coll3enG

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

@DaddyJew

Cashier: how would you like to pay?

Me: with my good looks if possible

Cashier:

Me:

Cashier:

Me: credit

@Gupton68

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

@TheMichaelRock

Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?