Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
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Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.