[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.