@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

@AnExocticBeach

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

@plumbur

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”