ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“Removing my make up”
Or how I like to call it:
“Reset face to factory settings”