My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back