Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Somebody call the cops.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: