[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?