[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.