[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
You Might Also Like
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.