@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

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@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

@Sickayduh

[hospital]
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*

@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@AudreyPorne

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell