“OK men, spread out.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I grew up for this?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell